lol------

i dont really know what even possessed me to log onto xanga today----but i did, and then i thought id stop and say hello

so hello

and my last post about my neighbors, well, lets just say that turned out to be more drama than it was worth, and this year totally flew by and im graduating in less than 2 months...........dear gods................

well, ill be working in fort wayne at Parkview after graduation------so, here's to the rest of my life!

yeah so now i love my new house, i love my new neighbors, i love the parties we throw on the weekends, i love it here!!!!!!!

but im gonna fail outta school at this rate...........

well here i am, back at school, one week into senior year, living in this kick ass apartment, that, if we ever get it completely the way we want it, will make it even better

so i was reading my goals for the summer----------i met like 2 of them------maybe not even that, i think i just met the one about having a kick ass time when im not working.....the summer was indeed amazing

but it is over, so i cant thikn about it anymore, i must move on with my new life here at school----i kinda feel like a first year who misses home the first year away, i dont miss my home, i miss amber's home--haha--kick ass time, kick ass time my friends

and this might be it for a long time, so dont come here expecting something to read---i might not have anything to say!

hollas kiddies

i really need to stop reading the obituaries---both from the south bend tribune and the daily standard----i know too many ppl who are dying................

on a happier note, im outtie here on WED! for the summer! i am done............

now this brings conflicting feelings---------

postive:jr year of hell is over, one more step closer to graduating

negative: i am one more step closer to graduating freaking college

and then what????????????? i dont know! do i want to go to grad school? do i want to work in a hospital? where do i want to work??? i could technically go anywhere! i have nothing holding me back..........i could go to alaska if i wanted to.........so what do i want?? i dunno, i never had time to think about that this year

so, goals for the summer are

1.) figure out what i want to do with the rest of my life, or at least figure out what i want to do first

2.) read some dr phil literature to improve my personal self, bc it apparently needs a lot of work

3.) save a lot of money so i can pay rent next year

4.) have a freakn awesome time in ft wayne with my lover when im not working my ass off at the hospital...............

5.) go home enough so that my sister doesnt forget who i am

perhaps my goals for right now should be to pass my 2 exams this week---good idea, lets start there

Things i learned this year:

1.) studying does not matter---you can BS ur way thru any nursing exam

2.) however, on the clinical floor, BS is rendered ineffective--

3.) i have the most amazing friends in the world, both from home and at school, who will stick with me thru about anything

4.) spending time with these friends is so much more important than studying, see 1.)

5.) coffee is your best friend

6.) followed closely by alcohol

7.) but too many vodka shots is not good for the cab carpet...........or my jeans and shoes.......

8.) a lot of things seem like a good idea at the time, which leads to excellent stories

ok im out for the summer! ill be living in ft wayne with amber and working at parkview for anyone who reads this and cares------hollassssssssss

Currently Listening Memoirs of a Geisha see related

i havent been here in awhile, havent really felt the need to be here........

but i dont know where else to put all this confusion that is inside my head right now

its like i have this face on, on the outside saying everything is ok, but im screaming on the inside....for no particular reason it seems like, im just screaming----in pych class we talked about the self and the persona, the persona is the person u show to the rest of the world and the self is who u really are, and sometimes and oftentimes, the self and the persona differ--------mine differ---i think---tho im not sure----

which is all this confusion-----it seems like i shouldnt be confused, that i should know what is going on in my life----that i have no reason to be confused or screaming--and i really dont, i have nothing to complain about---but its this unrest, the coming of senior year---of the real world----of the future---and i know what i want, but what i want and what im getting or think im going to get are 2 different things and i dont know how to go about getting what i want, or if it even is what i really want---so im just telling myself go with the flow, things will work out, well what if they dont?  it is one thing to be a confused and lonely 21 year old---it is another to be a confused and lonely 41 year old.........

and another thing, amber went to this retreat this weekend where they said that relationships either move foward or backward, there is no middle stationary ground------well what if i feel like im stationary and want to move forward but dont know how to move forward?

yes, college is awesome, but the developing part of the mind sucks, i think id rather go back to being immature and believing that life is fair and that i will definitely get what i want---ignorance is bliss they say.................................